I release you, 2023.
I thank you for the connections, the lessons, and the memories you brought me.
And I celebrate another year of life and transformation through you.
With deep gratitude, I let you go as I turn the page, knowing that your end is the beginning of a new chapter in my life story.
-Unknown

As I explored the countryside around the Lodge over the last days of 2023, I have had time to listen to the quiet and to reflect. It has crossed my mind more than once that I am very much like the old farm houses that I am drawn to photograph . . . built on a strong foundation, sturdy, good bones, and showing a little weather-a little wear and tear-with the passage of time.

I would like to think that like me, the walls have witnessed more chapters of joy than sorrow; that strength and perseverance saw the owners of these houses through the tough parts; and that there are individuals who remember fondly the feeling of home that these walls provided.

Besides photographing abandoned farm yards (no. 31 on my list) and driving new roads (no. 16), I made a list of 55 things that I am grateful for (no. 4 . . . I have decided to do this each year on December 21st), I continue to get out for sunrises (no. 32) and sunsets (no. 33) whenever possible, and I have enjoyed a couple of nights of fires in my fireplace (no. 43).

I have always considered myself a bit of a hippie. I recycle what I can, and re-purpose and re-use before buying new. In a Facebook group that I recently joined, I jokingly identified as “off-grid curious”.

When I purchased my vintage trailer, the intent was to fix it up and haul it north to a spot in the bush that I had leased to create an off-grid get-away, an eco-camp, if you like. The idea of doing more-living more fully connected to nature-with less is certainly appealing to me but the reality of my current situation is that I live in 3,000 square feet of incredibly inefficient space. I have more than I need . . . by far!

After visiting my brother and his wife’s off-grid acreage in BC over the summer, I began to think about small changes that I could make to my every day routine that might impact my power and natural gas consumption. Looking at reducing consumption through the lens of environmental stewardship is one thing; looking at it through the lens of reducing the cost to run this place is an added benefit-especially during the winter months in SK when the highest gas bill that I paid last year for one month was $574.

So I called my brother and this is the plan that we came up with . . . power use is power use and it is largely based on personal habits. If you have LED lights and are conscientious about usage, there isn’t really too much that you can change. Conducting a bit of a self-audit, I decided to defrost an upright freezer that didn’t have anything in it and will leave it unplugged for the time being. Going forward, I will play Spotify on my phone when I am working as opposed to having the TV and soundbar on all day (a cost savings of about $10/month); and I will plug chargers in when I charge my phone . . . and unplug them when not in use (and I will do the same with the power bars as anything with a light that stays on all the time is drawing power).

As for the natural gas, it turns out I may have a little more control over my monthly use. For starters, I hung a Mexican blanket over the door leading to the two-storey addition as this is the least energy efficient part of the house and a part of the house that I don’t use. Come 11:30 am, when it is time to stretch my legs (I work from home) and think about getting lunch, I will take the blanket down as the sun coming through the south-facing windows will have heated the space to the point where the impact on the thermostat in the hall will be minimal.

The bones of the house that I live in are old! What started as a storey and a half farm house was moved to this yard and placed on a cindercrete block basement and then, according to the home inspector, “built onto in every direction, including up!” To that end, I will close the doors of my bedroom (NW corner of the house) and the bedroom beside mine during the day as most of our winds are from the NW and these rooms tend to be cooler so drafts reach the thermostat located in the hall.

I beefed up the weatherstripping on two exterior doors and insulated the space between the floor joists and the foundation in the basement. I also put rigid pink insulation in the windows in the basement for the winter. Finally, I will use my wood-burning fireplace when I am home so that the natural gas wall furnace in the converted garage, which is only 80% efficient, runs less. This space is a large common area that is set-up as my living room. It is the place where I spend most of my time because that is the only room in the house in which my furbabies are allowed. To burn wood, I need to chop wood . . . so I bought an axe (cue Justin Timberlake’s song Man of the Woods and substitute “woman” in the lyrics).

Given that I have accomplished a number of items on my 55 in 55 list, I am adding one more . . . I hope that the changes that I have outlined above will save me about $55/week from November through to April.

Today, as I updated my accountability tracking spreadsheet, I realized that I am ten days from the one year anniversary of starting this blog. Here is where I stand with my 55 in 55 list . . . an ad hoc list of things to help me live life more fully between now and when I mark my 60th trip around the sun.

There are a number of things that I have completed: I made a list of 55 things that I am grateful for (no. 4 on my 55 in 55 list); I have recycled 55 items that I have been holding on to (no. 9); I have given 55 pieces of clothing away (no. 17); I have spent 55 minutes by a lake or river (no. 28); I have spent 55 minutes walking the beach (no. 29); I have discovered 55 new musical artists . . . more music, less Netflix (no. 30); I have limited my podcast list to 55 and spend half of my time driving listening to podcasts instead of the radio (no. 39); and I started this accountability blog (no. 55 . . . and I have started a tracking spreadsheet).

Other progress that I have made – I have not missed a weekly transfer of $55 to my saving account (no. 11) and that balance now sits at $2,769.08; I am very close to having tried 55 new wines (no. 1); I have joined an online book study and am reading (and journaling my thoughts on) Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés (which is helping me read 55 short stories, no. 22); and I continue to look for opportunities to photograph abandoned farm yards (no. 31) .

” . . . because of this double nature, or double-tasking, the great work before us is to learn to understand what around us, and what about us must live, and what must die.” – Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves 

It has been a month! Who am I kidding, it has been a crazy couple of years . . . from changing jobs at the onset of COVID and relocating to a part of the province I had never even been in; to coming back from a accident that could have seen me permanently disabled; to buying a hunting lodge and selling my condo; to finding love . . . and losing love . . .

I recognize that my world would be pretty bleak if I just focused on what I have lost so here are some of the things that I have found recently . . . I may have lost a man but I have found some very special friends as a result. I may have lost some mobility (due to the accident) but I have gained a better understanding of my personal strength. I may have lost my condo (more like given it up to move, and then, subsequently sold it) but I found a piece of land (and a lifestyle) that allows me to be connected to nature in ways that I have never been able to before. I may have lost a family (the man’s) but I found an opportunity to fill the beds of this lodge with paying guests (duck hunters). I may have lost some hunting related decor but I found my creativity and have created a funky, unique vibe that I think is just the right balance of yin and yang. I may have lost someone to share time with but I found activities that I wouldn’t have considered before, like signing up for a book study of Women Who Run With the Wolves and a workshop on ancient healing practices (Ayurveda).

What parts of me must die for me to live my best life? Fear . . . my fear that I can’t do life on my own, that I am not strong enough, good enough, physically and mentally ready to face a future alone. And ego, that part of me that tries to “direct” the aspects of me, and those around me, as if my life is being played out on a stage. Ego plays out as perfectionist tendencies and control, and those two characteristics no longer serve me.

What parts of me must live? My generally positive outlook . . . my ability to see the good, the positive, and the potential in everything around me. And the tenacity to pick myself up, reinvent myself if I have to, and move on.

So . . . with my rose coloured glasses firmly in place, I will move forward with grit and grace in this next chapter, grounded, yet open to new possibilities, and ever grateful for all that I am and all that I have.

The most significant progress that I have made on my list of 55 things I want to accomplish in 55 months is the loss of just over 20 lbs to date. Other progress that I have made – I have visited my daughter twice, spent some time walking the beach, visited two towns in Saskatchewan that I have never been to/through, and watched the sun come up on the Barrier River on a foggy morning on my way to Melfort . . . it was so breathtakingly beautiful that I just had to turn my Jeep around for another look . . .

“In time, and with water, everything changes.”
-Leonardo Da Vinci

In the weeks leading up to the super blue moon in Pisces (water sign) on August 30th, I have felt the pull of water so strongly. It started in mid to late July when I traveled to BC to visit my brother. We spent days walking the mountain streams picking rocks and reconnecting.

As the second full moon in August approached I knew that I needed to get back to the water so I packed a bag and some magic and headed to Manitou Beach for two nights. As an earth sign, there is a lot that I can learn from water. It is both powerful and peaceful, water is life sustaining (so I need to drink my damn water every day!), it cleanses, and there is a beauty in learning to go with the flow.

Picturing my feet back in a mountain stream, acutely aware of the beauty around me, and the feeling of the water moving over me . . . I am ready to begin my liberation from the past. I cleanse my memories with the power of love, forgiveness and understanding. May the past never be the object of guilt or sorrow again. May no difficult experiences I’ve been through block my potential or cause me to disbelieve in myself and the strength to realize my dreams. I thank my past for giving me experiences, teachings and strengthening me emotionally. I allow my soul to filter out all lived experiences, absorb the teachings that life has brought and release pain and attachment to the past. I breathe, relax my shoulders and feel the weight of the past releasing from me. I am free. I am ready to live my best life.

– adapted from a post by Alexandro Gruber

I continue to make progress on my list – the visit to BC introduced me to new wines, new roads, and gave me the opportunity to read a couple more books. I gave some books away and tried a couple new recipes with my brother and sister-in-law. On another note, I have to say that sunsets are easier to take in during the summer months than the sunrises!

“Dearest Fear: Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I do acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that your take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting – and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and I will never exclude you from our activities, but still – your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”
– from Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert

Fear. When I read the above in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Big Magic, I realized that not only has fear ruled much of the last month, it has ruled a significant portion of my life . . . fear of not being enough, having enough, giving enough, living enough, fear of what’s ahead, fear of making the right decisions.

Enough is enough! Fear, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive!

Fear aside, the addition of a new puppy to the household has impacted my schedule. Koda, now four and a half months old and weighing in at 55 lbs, came to me as a Valentine’s Day gift. He is a Maremma Bermese Mountain dog mix. Despite the significant time that puppy training has required, I have managed to make some progress on my list – I have tried some new wines, managed to keep up with the $55/week saving, visited my daughter, witnessed amazing northern lights April 24 while stargazing, and finished another book.

I have several books that have made more than one move with me. I am going to do my best to work through those before I make any more purchases. Next up . . . The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F@ck by Mark Manson. Take that Fear!

After the last 36 hours I have decided that there is a fine line between brave and stupid . . . BRAVE, driving to Calgary to pick-up a 23 ft vintage trailer when you haven’t actually towed anything for almost four decades . . . STUPID, giving yourself two days to do it! BRAVE, taking on Calgary traffic with said trailer . . . STUPID, doing it in rush hour! BRAVE, sleeping in the new trailer the first night in Medicine Hat on a sub-zero night in March . . . STUPID, not figuring out how to light the pilot light on the furnace before being awake for 17-hours and spending 10+ hours of that driving! P.s. I do not see the appeal in over-nighting in the Walmart parking lot.

I haven’t been out of the province in six years, so heading out with my new pup and my best friend seemed like a big adventure. In 2002 km we saw a breath-taking sunrise, got a peak at the mountains through the clouds, and saw so many deer, a few antelope, a couple of coyotes, a fox, a snowy owl, and the return of Canada geese (a sure sign that Spring is on its way).

The decision to purchase a vintage camper to fix-up and work out of during the summer “boondocking” with the dogs while my man is at work at a fly-in camp was made out of a desire to have more adventures and make memories. If the last two days are any indication, Betty Boop (what I have named my camper) is well on the way to helping me accomplish these goals! I know that we will be re-telling the stories of this trip around camp fires for years to come and depending on the day, we will have been either incredibly brave, or incredibly stupid!

Other progress that I have made on my list – I tried a new wine, went for coffee, tried a new recipe, started a conversation with a stranger, volunteered 15 hours, visited my daughter, lost 4 lbs, drove some new roads, watched a couple of sunsets, and more than a couple of sunrises.

I used to love to read. I read often and I read a lot. Now, I rarely find time to read for the pleasure of reading. I have moved four times in the last six years, hauling boxes of books that I intend to read but never seem to get around to . . . thus, #8 on my 55 in 55!

Yesterday I had some down time so I decided to read. I grabbed a coffee, settled in a comfy chair, pulled a quilt over myself, opened my book and realized that I wanted some soft jazz playing in the background so up I got. Music on, I settled in again. Within five minutes I was goggling something unrelated to what I was reading, scanning pins on Pinterest, checking Facebook marketplace, searching Amazon, and before I knew it, my coffee was gone! I refilled my cup and settled in again, this time with a plan-I would set a timer for 30 minutes. Ten minutes in and I was distracted again! Talking to my mother later, she asked (as only a mother would), “what is wrong with you? You used to be able to read, you read all the time.”

Indeed! What is wrong with me? Perhaps my brain has changed. At 3 am, I felt compelled to look into this a bit more. After wading through all the scary medical possibilities, I came across an article from Harvard University. “Your brain’s executive function helps you plan, make decisions, and — perhaps most important — pay attention,” says Dr. Joel Salinas, a neurologist with Harvard-affiliated Massachusetts General Hospital. “It acts much like the captain of the ship . . . executive function peaks alongside other brain functions in your early 20s and then gradually diminishes over time. Fortunately, the process is quite slow.”

According to doctor Joel, the good news is that you can take steps to improve your ability to concentrate and one of the things he suggests is taking up something that stimulates brain activity and requires mental effort (but isn’t overwhelming). I was pleased to learn that a number of my 55 in 55 fit this category, including colouring.

February has been a bit of a lemon of a month, one in which I have struggled to make lemon aid. Progress on my 55 in 55 list has been marginal but Spring is just around the corner and it is going to be a game changer . . . I feel it!

*https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/focus-on-concentration

Grass Dance
drum beat
fast feet
eagle’s shriek
cultures meet
in boxed concrete
awareness replete
eyes leak

Over the course of my career, there have been a handful of times in which I have felt both humbled and honoured to bear witness to truly extraordinary moments, give you goosebumps moments-our team’s efforts during the 1997 Manitoba flood response (Agriculture Canada); responding to the brave, adolescent girl who spoke up in my farm safety presentation in Nokomis (Saskatchewan Safety Council); meeting the woman from Toronto, who upon turning 50, decided to bike across Canada despite never having ridden a bike before (my B&B); and reading what our members share about random acts of kindness and human superheros who walk among us (Prairie North Co-op) to name a few.

Yesterday I experienced that feeling again in the gym at Yellow Quill First Nation as the beat of the drum reverberated in my chest, the sounds of the pow wow singers filled my ears, and my brain tried to understand the meaning and significance of the story being told through the traditional dress and dance. It was beautiful and moving and a little sad. As someone who understands the importance of feeling the earth beneath her feet, there seemed to be a disconnect in my mind to the grass dance being performed in the confines of a white-washed concrete box (cindercrete block construction).

#30 on my 55 in 55 list is to discover 55 new-to-me music artists. The Rock Hill Singers are a young, exciting and powerful Ojibway drum group from the Yellow Quill First Nation. They sing in the original style, just as their grandfathers had done. The group was formed in the summer of 2003 and is comprised of family members (blood and distant) from all over Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Alberta, Ontario, and the U.S. There are three generations that sit and sing to this day and they have won several awards*

Other progress that I have made – I finished reading the book Napa (#8 read 55 books) and gladly put that one in the donation bin as I have been trying to read it for 5+ years (#52 donate 55 books). To date, I haven’t missed a transfer to my savings account (#11 save $55/week for 55 months) and I have managed to meditate for at least 55 minutes/week (#20); try a new recipe (#6); photograph a couple of sunrises (#32); and colour a picture (#34)

*adapted biography

**photo credit: iExplore

It is one thing to say that you are going to do a thing and quite another to do it! On Sundays, I try to spend some time with my planner setting goals for the upcoming week. This process typically starts with a review of my 55 in 55 list and an updating of my accountability spreadsheet. After roughly seven weeks of tracking, I have noticed that a bit of a pattern is starting to emerge. It would appear that the things that I am most passionate about, like wine, are the ones in which I am making the most headway. Go figure! For example, over the holidays I had the opportunity to try eight new wines . . . at this pace, I will have completed that line on my list in less than six months!!

Other progress that I have made – I have managed to read a couple poems, discover a couple new singer/song writers that I like, stay in bed a couple of Sundays reading for at least 55 minutes, watch a couple sunrises (and sunsets), enjoy a couple of fires in the fireplace, write a couple of stories for publication, add a new crystal to my collection, and learn a few new Croatian words.